I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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