your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
