she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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