She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
