***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
never play flip cup with pint glasses
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
