you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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