She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
