I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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