i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
