I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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