I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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