my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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