My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
