I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
