i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
