Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
