i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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