we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
