I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
