Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
There are leaves in my underwear?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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