I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
