I'm lost and stupid without you.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
