You really coming over, don't trick.
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
