This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
My vagina is officially offended.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
