The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
