Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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