I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
