you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
