I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
