Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
