pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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