i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
