She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
