There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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