You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
