This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
