I forgot how hot balto sounded
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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