you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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