If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
