Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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