3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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