im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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