she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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