If i come over, it means nothing
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
