Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
