She went from zero to smokin in five shots
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
