She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
