She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
