Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
