And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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